i won't lie, i was nervous at this point with the other 2. the unknown of it all. but i felt more "prepared". i felt ready earlier this week, i would have said the same about this baby. but last night, i couldn't stop the tears from streaming down my face. fear, anxiety, loneliness, exhaustion. so many reasons filled my mind as to why i suddenly panicked at the thought of going into labor.
i feel like some days i struggle to manage my 3.5 and 2 year old. how could i possibly add a newborn to the mix? working full time this year with the 2 kids has been hard enough. how could i possibly go back to work with 3? just the logistics of getting them all out the door on time. i get overwhelmed just thinking about it. how can i handle 3 kids 3 and under with family so far away. the distance only seems to grow further and further with each baby, each illness, each "event". it's hard not to feel lonely and left out.
but then this morning, i was blessed to read the words of our lady of guadalupe. our lady of guadalupe appeared as an aztec princess to the humble juan diego in 1531. today is her feast day:
"Hear and let it penetrate your heart, my dear.
Let nothing discourage you, nothing depress you,
Let nothing alter your heart or your countenance.
Do not fear any illness or vexation, anxiety, or pain.
Am I not here, your Mother?
Are you not under my shadow and protection?
Am I not your fountain of life?
Are you not in the folds of my mantle,
In the crossing of my arms?
Is there anything else that you need?"
tears streamed down my face for a different reason this morning. these words, so very true. really, what else do i need? how can i ask for anything more? look who is on my side!
while we won't get to share arrival of our third child with as many loved ones as we would have liked, we are never alone. these words will be close to my heart for the remainder of my pregnancy (however long/short it might me), labor, and days and years to come.